America’s Finest News Source Recognizes Food Troubles
How does America know when it is facing a real crisis? As a nation, who do we turn to for insightful analysis and cool-headed criticism? Who do we trust when it comes to reporting the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Why, only the expertise of The Onion, heralded as “America’s Finest Newest Source,” can guide us through these troubled times:
New Report Calls For Radical Food Changes
A joint report from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the Trust For America’s Health calls for the appointment of a food czar and the creation of a food safety agency separate from the existing Food and Drug Administration. Here are some of the report’s other food safety suggestions:
• Indicating on packaging whether food came off the floor or was scraped off a roller
• Banning the riding of horses in factories
• Sniffing milk before deciding whether to drink it; if inconclusive, having others nearby also sniff milk
• Animals must undergo psychological evaluation prior to slaughter to make sure meat will not taste angry
• No more ingredients from giant bins with question marks on them will be allowed
• Adding “unless it enhances flavor” to the end of all existing preventive measures
• Pantsless food handlers required to wear a pubic net while working
• Including a copy of Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle in all packages of hot dogs
I applaud The Onion’s constant foresight on breaking news. One can only hope that the rest of the news media will learn from their superior reporting.
April 1, 2009
Tags: food event, food safety, innovation Posted in: Fun Food Facts
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